1. Breaking up, Therapy and Adult Friend Making : How The First Quarter of The Year is Teaching Me That I Have Needs That Aren’t That Needy

    To start - I highly doubt I will write about how happy I am ever again, because two times in a row I have written about how great [insert guy here] is and then very shortly after they come over to my house after a miniscule argument and declared they have [insert mental illness here] and that we have to break up. So yes, that happened. This time around it was even harder than before because I believed everything I was told by him, I did this one full Dylan style - the love output turned up to 110, the vulnerability bursting out of my pores and I lead with no caution. Never questioned why he was moving so fast, never questioned when he mentioned moving in so quickly, never thought twice about how it might be scary that he mentioned marriage after five months. I had the stars in my eyes and only thought “I am so in love and my life is beginning.” So once all that was crushed and I spent a long time crying I started thinking that there must be something wrong with me. Whatever it is that is attracting depressed, self medicating people into my life must be fixed immediately. So I started seeing a therapist. Yes, a therapist… and it turns out I am in the right city to do that. Everyone has one, we speak about it openly and they must be in high demand since I had to call about 50 to get one to call me back. I embarked (and I am still in) this journey of a 12 week self discovery (my insurance only covers 12 sessions) and so far I am learning a lot. Number one… I am not fucked up. I entered this thinking that I must have some repressed memory that we will uncover, and no. Turns out I am OK and mom and dad did a decent job. My unruly joy, self awareness and acceptance of others has been validated by a professional. What it has taught me is that I go with the flow too often. I have a tendency to never voice what I need from those I care about, end up in relationships that are just me giving, giving, giving and often times, the moment I need anything I am rejected, dumped or ignored.

    Number two… I am too worried about being considered needy in my romantic relationships and I need to let that go. I am not sure why I am worried, maybe it has something to do with this idea that the entire world seems to delivers about women. You know, the one that is constantly saying how needy we are when we tell our partners that we would like to see them once in a while, that we need an emotional connection, that we expect support or just have expectations in general. I prided myself when my ex would tell me “I like you because you don’t bring any drama.” Well, I am not drama at all and what he was really telling me was, “I like you because you never really voice your needs, thus ensuring this is surface level and furthermore allowing me to be lazy and negligent when it comes to forming any real relationship with you.” I love giving in relationships. I have no problem being the person who offers up all they have, but in turn I tend to not expect much and it has only taken me to a place of hurt. This rings true in my friendships too. I can recall numerous times, especially in further back in my early youth that I have been used and when I need time or support or just to be heard, it just hasn’t worked out in my favor and I’ve felt very abandoned and alone. So, what does a girl do when she feels abandoned? She goes to therapy to make sure she isn’t fucking up and then goes on a hunt for some female friends.

    Let’s be clear, I have friends… but upon moving to Los Angeles over two years ago, I haven’t really made any girlfriends outside of the lovely ladies I work with. I haven’t found anyone who lives a few minutes away and just wants to stop by and have dinner, go for a drink or to an event with me. Anytime I want to do something with friends I have to drive an hour or make plans days in advance for a night of bar hopping or a morning brunch. I just needed to expand my friend horizon, find some people who are looking for the same thing. People who have the time and want to spend it with others, simply put someone who just needs a friend. So I joined a Meetup and met some people. I MADE FRIENDS GUYS! Actually I made one friend so far, she is pretty awesome and lives close by. Gone are the days of having no one to call for a drink, netflix night or mourning the loss of a boyfriend and then the double whammy of missing his lovely friends extra hard because I lacked my own. With all that has happened to me so far this year, I have learned that I am not some needy freak and it is okay to have and allow myself to express needs and expectations from the people in my life. I don’t have to spend so much time being sorry for wanting things from those I love and next time I meet someone and romantic interest sparks I am more empowered to take a little bit and balance out what I give. I feel more emotionally empowered than ever before. Cheers to me and to those who have seriously lifted me up in the past month or so. It’s been really hard and it still is, but between you guys, yoga and Gertie I’ve been able to learn so much more about myself. xoxo

    1 month ago  /  1 note  / 

  2. dvnospeak asked: How are you so awesome?

    I don’t know how I missed this wonderful message. Thank you. I don’t know how I am so awesome, but I needed to hear this right now.

    2 months ago  /  0 notes  / 

  3. IN LOVE : A Raw Look Into My Soul… again

    So guess what guys…. I am in love again. I’ve been so for a while and I’ve just decided not to spill because I feel like keeping this one for a long time, but I have learned a little since I’ve found this new love and I think it is worth sharing.

    I met him online. Guess what - OK CUPID WORKS. Keep sifting through those pervs and occasional dick pics. There are real guys out there who actually want to build something with someone. Trust me. I found it.

    This is first time ever in my entire life that my best friend has met a boyfriend of mine and liked him. In fact, she told me today “If you guys break up I am ditching you and keeping him.” WOW. I can’t believe I found someone that she likes. Everyone likes him. I think when you find someone you who compliments you and truly makes you happy the other loved ones in your life will take notice. They all have… my mom is another story, but I am convinced that she loves him too. She just likes to keep things secret.

    I’ve never dated anyone who had their shit together. At the start of this courtship I was completely confused about what my role should be. I was used to being with someone who had to be pushed to no end, someone who I could continually motivate and help them work towards their dreams of whatever absolutely unrealistic thing they wanted to do. After I became comfortable with the thought and role of just sitting back and being a partner rather than a pusher, I was able to submit myself to the relationship I am in today. And I say submit, because I didn’t have to fix anyone and that was hard for me to accept in the beginning. I almost screwed it up by completely pushing him away because I didn’t know how to deal with it. But now I do, and it is quite nice.

    He assures me. I was told pretty quickly that he wasn’t going to see anyone else and it was so refreshing to hear a man tell me that. What? I don’t have to wonder if I’m the only one? Awesome. He reassures me about a lot of things. I need less reassuring nowadays because that is just where we are at. But at the start it was a nice perk and I am sure it will continue to be.

    I don’t have too much more to say, other than I am happy and I hope to be for a long time. I still have a big mouth and a lot of opinions, so send your questions my way. I am happy to answer any and all.

    With love from the one who is in love,

    Dylan

    3 months ago  /  2 notes  / 

  4. The Art Of The 20 Something Orgasm : Lies, Vibrators and Guilt

    I haven’t written much along the lines of sex lately, or ever really. I had a request to write about orgasms and I can’t lie, it kind of scared me. I mean, it’s a tricky subject because it is so intimate and I feel like this might just turn into an out of control rant, but I will attempt to give my true feelings on the subject. Please do not read this further if you would like to maintain a virginal idea of me and if you are reading this and you have a virginal idea of me, who are you? I want to meet you.   

    There is an unbelievable disconnect between men and women when it comes to this subject and I just need to put it out there, I can only speak from my personal experiences with sex. So that is where this is coming from. I know there are plenty of men and women out there who know how articulate their own needs, know their own bodies and are completely in touch with themselves sexually, but I am a 25 year old girl. I can’t say that I have ever been with someone who has completely fulfilled me sexually and I guess we can say that I am still learning, so here is take on orgasms and just sex in general for twenty-something ladies. God help my image after ya’ll read this post.

    Lies and Guilt. I think there is an insane amount of guilt surrounding the female orgasm and an insane amount of lying on behalf of women. Pornography and it’s effect on how men and women perceive sex is no secret and it is an issue that is starting to be discussed openly and in depth nowadays. This is fantastic, because the sex I have had lately has been terrible and even with verbalization of what is good and bad, the other party involved often does not get it. The phase “take them to pound town” is taken way too literal. Being pounded is awful and no matter how deep you get in there or how quickly you pump away, chances are this is nothing more than an uncomfortable experience for the lady involved and if there is enjoyment coming out of it, it is her tapping into the fantasy of sex. You know, the thoughts of feeling dirty, desired, ravaged…those kind of things. Which is fine, but its nice to have that physical feeling of satisfaction induced by someone other than yourself every once in a while. But this is where the guilt comes crawling back in. It can be hard to avoid feeling less than when you are not cumming your brains out like those female porn stars. How did they get wet so quickly? Why can’t I do that? Why doesn’t one nipple tweak make me ready for sex? Well, the answer is simple… you aren’t a professional porn actress and who knows how much actual enjoyment the porn stars are actually experiencing during those scenes anyway. I recently heard a fantastic interview with Nina Hartley (if you don’t know who Nina is, look her up) and she emphasized that women in porn are performers and the enjoyment you see is the them tapping into is the fantasy and the joy of the performance. So unless you intend to gain enjoyment from sex simply from the show you will be putting on, stop faking it.

    BUT IT’S HARD NOT TO FAKE IT….. Yes, I get it.  I often feel guilty for taking too long or giving too much direction. Sometimes it just isn’t sexy to verbalize a road map of the female anatomy as some poor clueless guy who is probably completely intimidated by the vagina is trying to find his way around it. As un-sexy as this may be, you must do this if you want any hope of experiencing one of the best things ever. And guys, it really doesn’t hurt to learn a bit about us. I’m sure there are some educational videos sprinkled in your favorite porn site. Watch them. So ladies, stop lying to him. Unless you are one of the 20% of women (I think it may be less than that) who can get there from going to pound town, just tell him that it isn’t going to happen that way and guide him. Force him to have foreplay with you. This can take your experiences in bed away from focusing on getting him off so he can hold you and more into the territory of making that cuddle time well deserved and more intense because he just worshiped you (and trust me, if he isn’t an asshole he feels proud of himself and finds you even sexier after that curtain of inhibition came down) and clenching yourself closer to him is the icing on the cake instead of the only prize you will be getting that night. I know, letting your inhibitions go involves a lot of trust, but that is okay. It’s easier to get there when you trust the person you are having sex with anyway. Trust is key in all relationships, strictly sexual ones included.

    Spend time with yourself. Sounds funny, but female orgasms can take lots of practice and work. Do your homework so you aren’t blindly teaching someone to do the trick. If you can’t give it to yourself, well that is just an unfair expectation to place on your partner.


    Lastly, invest in a vibrator. It’s fantastic.

    6 months ago  /  1 note  / 

  5. Follow Up : How About We….. IN PICTURES

    I was looking at my daily dates from how about we and I had to follow up with some screen shots:

    Venice… I think I mentioned I only go there when some out of towner visits.

    This one is a little bit better, but I still don’t understand why people like Santa Monica so much.

    I figured I would post this date idea.

    And here are two of the creepiest ideas ever

    I feel like his next line would be… “before I murder them.”

    And I have no idea what the hell this means, but I feel like he would enjoy watching the murdering suggested up above.

    8 months ago  /  0 notes  / 

  6. Lady Conversations : A Friendly Reminder

    I am part of a chat and it is a few friends who have completely fun and uncensored conversations. I couldn’t help but offer my advice the other day after we were all talking about the dates we have had or were going to have. She felt left out after being on a streak of unsuccessful dates and relationships. We have all been there and it makes us go completely bananas sometimes. You feel like it will be like this forever. I actually convinced myself that I was just going to be alone for a long, long time (which is so stupid and depressing. Don’t do that!) But, I used to be overly concerned with all these dating things, and it is a constant struggle to not get too involved in the game of “Will he call me? Does he like me?” Instead of torturing myself, I tend to get upset that it can’t be a cut a dry thing and this is why dating has the potential to make me angry, frustrated and sometimes a little crazy. Anyhow, I have had to cope with being alone prior to my most recent relationship. So while being alone and after my breakup, I reverted back to these ways. I thought this was a honest conversation about how we base our joy in life off who is going to be with us, which yes, people bring us joy. That joy is much, much harder to find and to sustain if you can’t find joy on your own. It’s something that everyone says, but it is ever so true. And I hope I brought a little clarity to my friend and I wanted to share

    • Anonymous Lady 1

      Man I’m excited for you guys but it’s sucks feeling heartbroken on the other side of the fence…ok getting some cheese ready to go with my wine haha. But I keep feeling the need to burst into tears, damn so pathetic. I wish eternal sunshine of the spotless mind was factual so I could just erase my brain!

    • Dylan

      Well, who knows about this guy I went out with. He can turn out to  be a total ass.

      And I’ve spent so much time alone. SO MUCH. I was single and seeing no one for two years

    • Anonymous Lady 1

      You mean I haven’t dated all the ass holes already??

    • Dylan

      But i had so much time to myself and to find out what I wanted and I got know really really know myself. And I would consider myself pretty stable and happy on my own.

      I think everyone needs a period of time to learn to be happy by themselves before they can start finding suitable people. Maybe this is your happy alone time.

      I saw people in my happy alone time… but all of my exchanges with men were very casual and I was not interested in a relationship, just a release.

      Just to clarify.. LOL.

      The six months or so before I met charlie I was really in a spot of being happy by myself. I was not concerned about if anyone liked me or not. I was super comfortable with who I was (and am) and did things on my own terms. That was really helpful to me

      because before then, I was a big ass mess. Always worried about why this guy didn’t call me or why that guy never answered my text message.

      Something clicked and it wasn’t all about that anymore. And I was a lot happier.

      So that is my little bit of advice. It took a while for me to get there, but now I am firm believer that every girl needs a good six month to a year period to learn who they are and just take a break from dating with the expectation of a relationship.

    • Anonymous Lady 1

      Well said Dylan , my mom always agrees with your advice when I tell her what my girls take is. lol! But yeah I feel like I’m in that “big ass mess” phase, staring at the phone asking myself why isn’t he reaching out, what could I have done differently, making myself unhappy. I need to figure out what I really want. I tend to fear being alone (I slept in my parents bed until I was 8, only child syndrome!) as well as also going for the looks and passion and fluffing off things that actually matter. I do need some me time and get to know myself. This past year I’ve made some really questionable decisions bc I lack stability. Being impulsive is a personality trait of mine so I embrace it but I need to tame it. SO maybe this is my 6 month happy time lol

    • Dylan

      lol

      Girl, it is super hard to be alone. I KNOW IT. But once you get over that initial “I’m lonely phase” you will feel better.

      It’s almost like a breakup

      Like you are breaking up with your obsession of being loved.

    • Anonymous Lady 2

      listen to dylan!

    • Anonymous Lady 1

      Exactly! It’s like this empty aching feeling that I’m trying to fill.

    • Dylan

      Yes

      I know that feeling so well.

      Get invested in books, take walks. Go to the coffee shop alone

      listen to some podcasts

      those are all things that fill my time and make me happy.

      Cook yourself something.

    • Anonymous Lady 1

      Yeah see I never take the time to do things like that, especially alone. Need to change my dependency issues lol

      Read that as “cock” yourself at first lol

    • Dylan

      lol

      But really my love… life is a lot lovelier when you do little things that make you happy instead of waiting for a text message from some douche

      that probably won’t even make you happy.

    • Anonymous Lady 1

      I’m having a real moment of clarity right now!!…Really need to love myself first, bc I think that’s the void I’m trying to fill. Need to find my own happiness first!

      sorry about this little therapy session blowing up your phones ladies

      Dylan whats your hourly rate, this could get expensive! hehe

    8 months ago  /  0 notes  / 

  7. How about we… do something less creepy.

    There is a new site called howaboutwe.com and it is a online dating site with the goal of getting people offline and on dates, which is great for me because I won’t go out with people who insist on sending more than two messages before asking me on a date. In my experience, people who tend to want to talk for a long time online often gather too much information about you and when you actually do meet it is the most dull and painful experience. They also strike me as men who are insecure with themselves. The kind that need to make sure they can plot out their case about how witty and smart they all while taking advantage of the security of long delays between e-mails while they think of the next charming thing they can say, over just meeting you and hopefully charming you on the spot. So, that is why this new site is a little bit more exciting, but it has also proven to show how creepy some of you guys can be. A lot of the dates say things like, “Have a drink and then I will cook you dinner.” UH… where? Not at your house, creep. Or you can choose from the five million guys that think walking the Venice boardwalk is interesting. Maybe I am big party pooper, but I have little interest in going to Venice (maybe its because I’ve been there millions of times from the ages of 11-to now) but that and the Santa Monica Pier are two places I don’t care about visiting. My idea of date isn’t to go to the place where you have to take your out of town visitors see… while you dread it the whole time. Keep it simple guys. First dates for me (ESPECIALLY when I don’t know you) are meeting for drinks or coffee. You need to give us a simple escape route. I’m not sure I am speaking for all women, but I do not want my first encounter with my date to be one I can’t easily leave from, or that I have to spend more than $15 on, or I have to pay for parking or one where I have to block out a Saturday or Sunday for. I am just interested in meeting you and seeing if we click to ensure that the day we spend at The Getty will be fun for both of us. I am not capable of taking art too seriously and if you can’t laugh at some of the pieces they have inside that place, then you are not my guy. Plus, the best day I ever had at the Getty was with one of my college professors and I have since been trying to find a 15 years younger version of him, so good luck.

    So far I had luck with this website. I feel like I need to get my feet wet in the dating pool again since being out of the loop for a little bit. It’s been nice. Sure, I’d love to just cuddle someone to death.. but Breaking Bad just started and I feel like I have very little time to invest in other things or people right now. SO, in between my weekly dates with Jesse Pinkman and Chris Hardwick, hopefully I can squeeze in a few more dates and have some more interesting things to write about.

    8 months ago  /  0 notes  / 

  8. Remember What I Mess I Was? Yeah, I Don’t Want To Either. Please Forgive Me.

    I was such a fucking mess about a couple months ago, it’s hard for me to even believe how bad it was. I virtually cried everywhere and at everything. I feel bad for the people that hung out with me the end of May through June… yikes. This is my public apology. My best friend said she thought I would be way worse, so maybe it wasn’t that bad… but anyhow, It’s all part of the process for me. I think it is intensified with my style of coping with things, which is just feeling it full force, not blocking out anything and then it’s over. I think I learn the most and get over things quicker when I approach grief this way. The ex told me while he was letting me go “in six months you will thank me for this.” Well it only took two! Do I win a prize now?

    So I have dated a little bit since I’ve been single again. At first it was hard, because before things crumbled, my previous relationship was very easy to initiate, maintain and all that other good stuff, so the thought of having to go on one date with an asshole scared the shit out of me. I had one night with a couple of girlfriends where we went on a group date through this new social service called Grouper. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I was not ready to go on a date at that point and to make matters worse, they grouped us with three of the biggest douche bags I have ever met. The kind of guys who think mumbling the words “Princeton” and “Dartmouth” is impressive. On top of that they were just incredibly rude. It was awful, but I think it was good for me. After that experience I had this realization: I am a pretty, smart, funny and well employed woman, I don’t need to be looking for anyone. Living my life with an open aura and doing the things I love are what I need to fulfill me right now. Someone who is worthy will fall into place when the time is right. Wow, how fucking cheesy was that statement? There is your Cosmo self affirmation for the week, but hey, we all need those sometimes. On top of all of this, I’m realizing now that I never really did anything I loved with my partner while I was in the relationship. That was something all my friends pointed out. “He never came with you anywhere and that bothered us.” Funny how your friends point out everything they didn’t like about the person after you break-up. That is a really good thing though. You need to hear that after you have been dumped, and plus, they were all VERY right. One person told me I was too joyful to deal with what I had picked out. Another said “It doesn’t matter if the person doesn’t have a shared interest with you, they will go to the event because they want to be with you.” Understanding all of these little things is part of the process. I’ve gained something important from everyone I have ever been committed to. Some people can’t say that for themselves, they just keep learning the same lesson. I think I have a pretty decent foundation of what I need to be happy in my relationships, new item on the list : someone who enjoys life, someone who wants to be loved.

    Right now things are good. I have a cool roommate who lets me read his online rejection messages to ladies and make sure they are not douchy. I have friends who live walking distance from my house. I am living in one of the hipster meccas and I can eat out and vegan at a different place every night if I wished. Everything is going in an upwards direction. I am working on a list of “How to…” pick up and dating tips as a suggestion from a few people. I am headed to Outside Lands next weekend, maybe the first one will be “How to pick up your hipster (or comedy nerd) prince at a festival.”

    8 months ago  /  2 notes  /